The Call

Sometimes you wonder where you went wrong, did it really happen because you pulled away first?..You gave up first?..You didnt say or do all the right things? Did you not inspire trust or work towards gaining it? Did you think it was hopeless to keep hoping that things will change..improve? Or did you just realise that maybe it wasnt fated in the first place? You tend to blame yourself when he calls you up to tell you he has someone now.

Then you sigh and say, "He didnt do all these things either."

First, I wonder why he called in the first place. Was it to boast? Yes, probably. Men do have these egos that they cannot get rid of. Boast about what? That he was more than fine without me, probably. He could live now. The second reason was he probably wanted to rub salt over a scar. A scar I had pushed firmly out of my mind and resolutely forgotten, simply because brooding about it would have done nothing. What would thinking about three years do anyway? What was three years in the grand scheme of things? Just a measely part of a insignificant teenaged life.

But then you wonder if it changed you in some ways. Had it taught me some lessons? Would future relationships be better? Or would I be the same? Do the same mistakes? React or behave in the same way? Would there be a pattern? Would I fall for a complete opposite? Or would I go along the same way..hoping it would be better the next time around..

I hated him when he called to tell me. I wanted to break something. How could someone be so horrible? How could I be assosciated with someone so horrible? Hadnt a year and a half of staying away given any indication that I didnt want anything to do with him? He was too thick headed. Why hadnt I realised that before anyway?

"Aah..because you were blinded, you see."

More like stupid. Or was it like the chicken and egg - what came first thing? Was I stupid because I was blinded? Or was I blinded because I was stupid?

I look back now and think about how I couldnt have done anything different. People were stupid when they said people changed because of what they had gone through. They didnt change. They just lived with regret, grief, hope lost forever or renewed optimism.

The only thing that changes is you realise that you could have ended things better. Torn off the band aid with a quick rip rather than slowly and painfully, drawing it out. Then maybe that call would have never come in the first place..

Then maybe I wouldnt be writing a self realisation note either...

Being 21...

I always have these huge intervals before I start writing a blog post, one of the few reasons why Ive said no to taking up writing as a profession. Writing on command has always been tiresome. It has worried me, these long spells of not writing. There have been times when I've had an intense urge to write but no longer can I take a break and pen it down. Today, I logged into facebook after 3 months to realise quite a few people had missed me and my Potter posts. It's an important time for any employee, these days. Its the end of the financial year. The important appraisals are coming up - determining your salary, behaviour, areas of development and bonuses. It's necessary to leave a lasting impression on your stake holder. Therefore, it becomes inevitable that one has to bite down curses and a few choice words voicing frustration.

This month has personal implications too - I'm turning 21, you see. A week back, I didnt think it was that much of a big deal. How is a 21st birthday any different from the 20th? When I had a lunch with my college friends, I realised a marked difference. Quite drastic, in fact. On my 20th birthday, the people sitting with me right then were the ones that my life revolved around. These were the people I interacted with day in and day out. Now my life revolves around a computer and talking to candidates I've never seen and never will, being a catalyst to the decisions they make that can affect their life. On my 20th birthday, I was having this lunch with my parents money and now I was giving my card to swipe. At this time, last year, I was still fretting about exams, marks, what to do after the exams (study or work?) and where would I get a job if I decided to work. Today, I'm worrying about my appraisals and my boss. It seems like a very grown up space to be in.

But I realised getting older isnt getting any easier.

Independence gives you a strange sort of high but it hardly fails to keep telling you that what you have is never enough. It's a strange sort of hunger that never happened when I went after a score in my exams. There was no chance to try again once I got that marksheet.

I see a few of my class mates still wandering and wondering about what they want. Some have made hasty decisions that they regret. Some are settled in their work and studies - things they had done with intensive planning for a few years now.

As I look back on the year, I realised life has turned out rather well for me. It's still like college in some ways where you feel small sometimes in the midst of so much talent and competition.

Being 21 is different from being 20. And I realised I needed to celebrate it. :D

"At the age of twenty, we don't care what the world thinks of us; at thirty, we worry about what it is thinking of us; at forty, we discover that it wasn't thinking of us at all."

El ! Oh ! Ve ! Ee!

The five day holiday spree is already getting to me. So much so that I'm sitting at eleven thirty with my and dad and watching old songs on television with his running commentary about how we kids dont have tasteful music anymore. Thankfully, I have my BB to keep me entertained and connected with Sushant, who fortunately is being nocturnal since its Diwali. He's having dinner with his friends and complaining about how we cant meet for the next 5 days. Yes, I'm feeling horrible as well. But I really cant do anything about it and dont you'll dare call me a heartless uncaring girlfriend. I am not. Okay, maybe sometimes. But I try very hard to be nice. Like right now, I'm writing this blogpost for him. It's nice right? I mean, i know I havent written anything about him yet and I can see more I's in this paragraph so I'll just go for it..
I've been assaulted with questions and exclamations of surprise when people have seen me with him. He isnt exactly the types I would pick considering my track record and rantings. He has spectacles, a round face and comes across as particularly upright proper decent gentleman when you meet him. Zzzzzzz...
I know but funnily enough, I fell. Hard. Not good considering he's the type my parents pretend to love but actually hate. He's the type everyone would want as a friend because he's so goddamn lovable but not as a guy. He's just too..nice. Almost presenting no elements of surprise or mystery. No jigsaw puzzle to figure out. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. He's just as you see him. No complexities, no deep rooted emotional trauma that I need to mother out and no secrets that I need to hide. He trusted me implicitly while I keep doubting him, even now. He looks bewildered when I get mad about the smallest things, making me realise how stupid I'm being. He looks amused when I behave childish and dance around everywhere. He loves hearing me sing off key.
He is very predictable. Though he never does the same things twice and he never keeps any pet names or maraos silly movie dialogues. His next favorurite thing after me is sea food and vada pav so I guess I feel honored considering he wants to eat them all the time. I tell him I love him as much as I love money. So I guess it works both ways. He's quite blissfully ignorant of me talking to another man while I breathe down the neck of a 45 year old woman in office who is throwing herself at him. He's calm, composed, sometimes prone to silliness (like doing a Salman Khan collar shaking dance step to make me laugh because I was down and I know how much he hates dancing) and his clumsy attempts to make breakfast (which turned out to be quite tasty actually).
He giggles like he's being tickled, has an Alan Rickman hot voice thing going on and keeps prodding me to work (one of the real reasons why I work really hard..and the money, of course) His weird knack of knowing who is genuine and who isnt, his ability to get me out of a slack mood by getting me mad and our similar twisted sense of humour( which usually involves making fun of people) is what has probably helped me through the hard days of work.
For the 4 months he's been with me, work and life has become a whole lot easier and lighter. I dont need to keep wondering where this relationship is going or if I'm important enough. He understands why work is a priority, never wants an unecessary sacrifice and doesnt throw tantrums. I dont need to dress up or eat like a lady.
All I need to be prepared for is..
Being loved. :D

Stories To Tell.

It's been nine months since I attended lectures in college, six years since I left school and eight years since I stopped doing homework. It's been 3 weeks since I last came on facebook properly, two months since I've written a blog post and two minutes since I've checked my BB, wondering if anyone has pinged me. My wardrobe and shopping list has changed from casuals to formals, there's no wallet anymore but a card, there's a boss instead of a teacher who's better at demanding and harder to please and I have parents complaining that the house has become a hostel. My tracks are replaced with heels, my slouch has straightened, my nails are always pristine and colorless and not chipped with nailpolish, home food is only one meal a day, school and college friends have become a weekend ritual and books that I have bought are still waiting for my attention. There's no worry about losing weight, no worrying about time to kill, no unecessary small talk, sleep comes easily enough, no time to slack nor any time to argue and simple explanations on why you dont remember someone's birthday. ("I forgot").
When we were in college, my friends used to talk about having stories to tell their kids. Espescially on how their guy would propose to them. I think I'll have a story to tell too. But who knows? It might just not be the classy proposal that you hoped or dreamed about. It might just be going down on one knee in a cab, or you getting frustrated enough waiting that you ask him yourself...but then, that's a story too, isnt it?
Today's my college friend's 21st birthday and thankfully, she reminded me that it was as well as being gracious enough to call me for it. We wont be doing anything new.The usual, really. Five of us sitting round our usual table at our usual restaurant talking about usual things...anybody else would have thought it to be boring to do that on such a big day for her. But when you think about how things have drastically changed for all of us, I'd like to keep these things the same usual boring way. Like F.R.I.E.N.D.S. have Central Perk and Archie's has Pop Tates, I have 5 Spice. My life has been blessed and good, for now. I have good demanding friends, a good demanding job and loving and demanding parents..I shouldnt crib nor should I stop wanting more and making it happen...
Quite simply, I love my life, with all its quirks and 'usualness' ...

People That Interest Me-Part 2

Cleopatra- The Seventh

She was the last pharaoh of Ancient Egypt. She is said to be a beautiful woman, possessing charm and wit coupled with knowledge on how to make herself agreeable to anyone. She had charmed the most powerful men of her time-Julius Ceaser and Mark Antony. There are many stories of her dare devilry- one of them being rolled up in a carpet to get past the guards to charm Ceaser. Another story was a bet she placed with Antony that she could spend ten million sesterces on a dinner. The next night she had an unspectacular meal served. He started to ridicule her when she bought in the second course- a cup of strong vinegar. She removed one of her priceless pearl earrings and popped it in, allowing it to dissolve and drinking the mixture. The calcium carbonate in pearls does dissolve in vinegar. The ancient sources, particularly the Roman ones, are in general agreement that she killed herself by inducing a cobra to bite her..



Heath Ledger
He charmed me in '10 Things I Hate About You' and 'The Prince's Tale'. There was always something endearing about his performance and he stuck, even days after you watched his movies. For his role as Joker in Dark Knight, he locked himself up in a room for a whole month and tried to make his own mad, fanatical, unafraid and dangerous joker. Christopher Nolan had given him free reign to make up his own voice and laugh which was iconic in the movie. I never guessed he was the beautiful man I had watched in the previous movies. After this role that took so much from him, he suffered from acute insomnia because his mind was constantly working but not his body. He died due to an overdose on 22nd January, 2008.

Mehrunissa

She's the second Mughal that caught my fancy.
Her father is Ghias Beg, a Persian nobleman who ran away from Persia, shame faced. She was born on the way to Hindustan. She was the twentieth wife of Prince Salim (Jahangir) who was her second husband, the only one he married for love.
She wrested the title of Padshah Begum from Princess Jagat Gosini, who was one of Salim's first wife and practically ruled the Empire. She was a smart woman who knew politics and advised Jahangir on many issues like the Portuguese and the English traders. She was the first one to build a tomb for her parents made of marble. The idea was then taken by Emperor Shah Jahan to build the Luminous Tomb, more commonly know as the Taj Mahal for his wife. Very ironical considering he was the one who banished her from the Kingdom after killing his own father and her wife.

Oprah

She's an American television host, actress, producer and philanthropist, best known for her self titled, multi-award winning talk show which has become the highest rated programme of its kind in history. She has been ranked the richest African American of the 20th century, and was for a time the world's only black billionaire. She was born to a single teenaged mother, raped at the nine and got pregnant by 14. The baby died at infancy. She started as a radio host and moved on from there. She is considered one of the most influential women in the world, her support to Barack Obama lending him a million votes in his presidential race.




Joan Of Arc

She was born in 1412 and starting at age 12 claimed to see visions of and hear the voices of St Catherine who she said told her to drive out the English and to bring Charles the Seventh to Reims, then under English control, for his coronation. The seige of Orleans in 1429, where she was wounded in the neck but miraculously returned to fight in the last charge. She led the French to many victories and was later granted nobility. She was burned on the stake in 1431 for heresay, which is a repeat offense. The offense was she wore male clothing. She repeated the offense because she was illitrate and didnt understand what she had done wrong, her fear at being molested because they had taken away all her clothes and therefore had nothing else but male clothing to wear. They rejected her arguments. In 1456, her conviction was posthumously reversed and in 1920, she was declared a Catholic Saint. There are more churches and shrines dedicated to her in England than in France.

Jahanara
She has purely caught my fancy because she was Aurangzeb's sister and he was obsessed with her. She was the oldest child of Shah Jahan and Mumtaz Mahal and the Padshah Begum when Mumtaz passed away. It was a break from tradition because, normally, the next most important wife gets the title in the imperial zenana. She took on the responsibility at the age of 17 and never took a husband. Her unreasonable love and hate for Dara and Aurangzeb respectively who were her brothers led to a lot of political instability. When she refused to acknowledge Aurangzeb as Emperor, while she took care of her father, Roshannara, her younger sister was Padshah Begum. As soon as Shah Jahan died, Aurangzeb pleaded and she joined him back at court. He immediately gave her the title,Padshah Begum instead of Roshannara who had stood by him always, making his unreasonable and obsessive love for Jahanara even more evident...

People That Interest Me-Part 1

Aurangzeb

He was born on 4th November,1618- 3rd March 1707. His chosen imperial title was Alamgir-"Conquerer of the World." In effect, he was the last powerful Mughal Emperor that India had. When I learnt him in history, he was described as a cruel and an intolerant Emperor. He started the jiyaz ( a tax on non-Muslims) that Akbar had stopped due to India being pre dominantly Hindu. The author of Shadow Princess, Indu Sundaresan, managed to capture some of his complex personality but he continues to remain an enigma. He was a fanatically religious Muslim with a childhood that provides explanation for his unbending and ruthless nature. He was the third son of Shah Jahan(Khurram) and Mumtaz Mahal(Arjumand) and the least liked. He constantly sought his older sister's,Jahanara's approval which led him to being obsessed with her. Jahanara was always on her oldest brother,Dara's side, even though he wasnt as good as Aurangzeb. Roshannara who was his second sister, openly favored Aurangzeb while Jahanara despised him but when Jahangir died, he made Jahanara the Padshah Begum of his imperial zenana. He was, if I'm not mistaken, the only emperor who didnt give in to alcohol and opium. He and his story, till today, continues to intrigue me.

Diana

She will always remain the most beautiful woman in the world. She lived every woman's worst nightmare. Being trapped in a marriage that had three people in it at a young age, being seperated from her sons who were going to be born and bred in a system she despised and dying a year after her divorce, just when she was about to start living. Because of the lack of love in her life, she worked for charitable organizations with an almost superhuman strength, suffered from an eating disorder, committed half hearted suicidal attempts and was in constant fear of the paparazzi.





Marilyn Monroe

Her real name was Norma Jean Baker. She spent much of her childhood in foster homes and then went on to become a model. Her dumb blonde persona was used in movies and she is ranked the sixth greatest female star of all time. She was Jewsih, married and divorced thrice as well as on the first issue of Playboy magazine(1953) where she posed nude. The circumstances of her death,from an overdose of barbiturates, are still unknown. It could be classified as a 'probable suicide', 'accidental overdose' or a 'homicide'. She was known for her stage fright and her dependence on alcohol and pills to sleep because of insomnia."I know I belonged to the public and to the world, not because I was talented or even beautiful, but because I had never belonged to anything or anyone else."

Clark Gable

To me, he is the most handsome man from the early era. An era I wish I were born in, with the ball gowns and corsets on the arm of a man in tailcoats, a hat and a cane with carriages driven by horses and houses filled with vintage things..Rhett Butler, the character in Gone with the Wind, the one that won him accolades casts Mr Darcy in shadow comparitively. His character will always be the one man that woman wait all their lives for but never find..

"It's an extra dividend when you like the girl you're in love with."

Henry the Eighth

He was the King of England and later King Of Ireland.He is known for his six marriages because of his obsession to sire a son. He was an attractive and charismatic man in his prime. He was known for the English Reformation that made England a mostly Protestant nation. In later life, he became morbidly obese and his health suffered. His last words were cried out in exasperation, "Monks! Monks! Monks". His constant need to binge was blamed on stress and his public image is depicted as one of a lustful, egotistical, harsh and insecure king. The Boleyn Girls, which is now a movie, were one of his wives and mistresses. He has beheaded more English notables than any other monarch, before or since. He was the first well educated English king and was known for spending on jousting tournaments, twice a year. For those of you who do not know what jousting is, watch Prince's Tale.

You're Beautiful ! :|

We had a photoshoot yesterday, at the company..We were warned that the photographer was being paid quite a bit to make us look good so we were supposed to make his job slightly easier by making an effort ourselves.. Anyone who knows me well enough by now will know I prefer being behind the camera rather than in front of it..It was supposed to be after lunch but the tension was palpable since the start of the day..Everyone started to file in late to work, looking expectantly at others to pass a compliment so that they could get one themselves.. It was like a hornet's nest of vanity with everyone flicking their hair for the upteenth time,discreetly glacing at the mirror when they pass by it(even the glass walls werent spared) and talking about the different brands of make up, exchanging blazers, jewellery..souls..
Seriously.
When it was announced that the photographer was half an hour away, it was like some emergency fire alarm ringing and suddenly the loo was the hottest place to be. It reminded me of kids running as fast as they could when their recess bells ring. I managed to remain unnoticed for a while until Darshana swooped down on me, nattering about my hair and the lack of make up on my face. She practically kicked me into the loo and told me to do the needful. I managed to force myself to comb the knots out that I had blissfully ignored in the morning cause I prefer my mother's wrath compared to Darshana's. I thought washing my face would do the trick but it wasnt enough, apparently. I was then bodily handled into her chair and she opened her bag. Let's not talk about what was there in that bag.More like various torture instruments. She rummaged thoroughly and bought out this devious looking bottle with a lot of brown goo in it. She was like this dentist telling me it will be allright when I know it wouldnt.All I had to do was remain still. Seriously, if looking pretty was that easy...
So she applied that goo on my lips and I thought I was going to be left alone when Miti came. I think my blouse was going to be ripped by the end of the day with all the dragging around. She wanted to put black liquid stuff on my eyes. All I had to do was sit still.... again.
After applying, she told me to wait with my eyes closed for two minutes. Unfortunately, my impatient mind doesnt know how long that is and I opened them. Let's just say it was a disaster..and then they had to do some serious damage control..It was like being taken to the ER room in a hospital with the cotton swabs, the poking, the prodding and the swearing...
At last, I was ready to go and the photographer had arrived. He set up his lighting and everyone was made to go in individually and be subjected to flashing, blinding lights in his torture chamber. A blazer was put on my back and I walked in tentatively. The only good thing about this, I told myself, was that the photographer was hot. I must admit, he was. But there was, unfortunately, no enthusiasm on my part because I'm still hung up on another upturned nose guy wearing an oversized blazer. I thought it would, maybe, be better if I imagined him instead of this grungy, straight nosed, tall man.
Not a good idea. It made me feel even worse. So I took a deep breath and followed his instructions deligently, trying hard not to think of the 'other man'.
Flash.
I flinched. I wasnt ready for that. And he knew, so he said, "Smile for me!"
So I did.
Flash. Flash. Flash.
"Beautiful!"
I couldnt help grinning when he said that. He nodded, an indication that I could leave so I walked out, coming face to face with 'the other man', holding his oversized jacket and looking past me,at someone else.
I sighed and the smile slipped a little. They really were paying this photographer a lot.