State of Grace...

Dear Nissa and Nefer,

I write this to you years before I have you. Ages before I've probably experienced true love. Or maybe I already have and lost it. Either way, it means I'm currently not in a dizzy or dreadful phase. It's a neutral one where I hope to be most objective about life. 

Your childhood will be a distant faded memory. You will remember snatches of it though..something sweet..something hilarious...I'll make sure of that...You'll be free then...It's when you hit your teens - that's when you will start to be confused..You will listen to what I'll call dreadful music. Black or pink nail paint will don your fingers - whichever way you go.

You will distance yourself from me and that's when I'll realize that you are growing up. I'll try to cling on because you might think it's a brilliant feeling. It's not. Troubles don't go away after a good sleep. You can't cry your way out. Childhood friends suddenly change and grow distant. You will have to learn to let go of them and you will know that no matter who was wrong in that spat, you're ego or guilty conscience won't make you apologize or admit it. That moment right there will change you and make you realize how alone you truly are. It would be foolishness to depend on someone so thoughtlessly.

You will fall for someone soon enough Nissa and Nefer..First love..It's dizzying..you're drugged and floating seamlessly..He will be the answer to all your prayers..His tattoos will seem like battle scars and his bike, a magic carpet that whisks you away to places you've never been..He will be your Achilees heel..You will laugh fully again, smile to yourself and you will want to be alone so that you can dream about him in peace...But love is a ruthless game, unless you play it good and right...

Your first is hardly your last..If I tell you this, you will despise me, call me old, tell me how I skipped from being a child to an adult and I never knew what it felt like to be a teenager..and you will scream out those dreadful words though you will regret them someday

"Mother, for him, I will leave this stupid place you call home!"

And I will flinch as it comes rushing back to haunt me. And I know you will be tempted to. You almost will when I tell you to stop mooning about and study for your finals.

And when he breaks your heart, you will crumble. I will notice the drooped shoulders, the music you listen to turning melancholy and the grades dipping. You won't come to me. Oh no, you won't. It will be like admitting that I'm right and that is one battle you don't want to lose. I'll smile to myself. There's still some fight left in you then.

Your hostile demeanor will start to fade and you will hesitantly walk into the kitchen to help out with some housework. You'll try to bury the pain when you see him with someone else. You'll spite him by going out with someone else. A pretend boyfriend. Please don't. Anyone who agrees to that probably has some feelings for you and you're gonna end up getting him hurt. 

Your teenage years will be crazy..wild..secrets you will take to the grave because letting someone know might make them judge you..it's bound to happen so keep it quite..Liking two guys at the same time is a horrible place to be stuck in especially if you are in a relationship with one of them. You always despised cheating boyfriends/girlfriends. But here you are, feeling the same. But hopefully, I've raised you well enough to not act on those treacherous feelings until you have made up your mind. At the end of it, no matter how many people you have hurt in the process, the name calling that you will have to endure silently, you will know that you did what was good and right. Like Dumbledore says, there's a difference between walking into the massacre with your head held high rather than being dragged into it, screaming and yelling. 

There will be that one person you will always have a soft spot for, the one that you have had a pact (If we are 30 and still single, we will hook up)

You will finally start to find friends that are worthwhile and you will learn to value them more. You will be tempted with booze and drugs. I just hope that good sense prevails and you will see beyond the smoke and the easy way out. 

When you start to work, there will be times when you open your mouth and get into trouble unnecessarily. There will be moments when you feel terrible about the lack of results, dreading the next meeting with your boss and wondering if you should just give up working so hard for nothing. You'll get restless. Maybe the gym bug will hit you. Or dancing...anything where you can be independent and in control...

You'll be slapped around in an interview like i was. By a man who thinks his brain is bigger than his shoe size. But I'll hope you gave him back and won't stand for bullying. I did. However, things did become a little topsy turvy after that. . Let's not go there. Its another story...another blog...this note just won't do him justice...

Alas, that's how this letter will end. It might get longer with time or I might completely scrap it a year down the line and wonder how stupid I was to write such a thing? How presumptuous I was being? 

But remember, as long as you do it good and right..

Love,

Your mother.