Rads..

I've always come to goa for every vacation since my family is here. Sometimes i've had enough of the family and would prefer a vacation somewhere else. But I feel bad for my mother and grandmom and try to be as accommodating as possible but I do let my displeasure be made public when it comes to certain members of my family.(CMOF)

One of my cousins is constantly put down by CMOF because of her failings as a student. It will suffice to say that I loathe them. However this cousin is someone who is constantly in love. Probably the main reason for her failings. At first, I tried to make her understand that love at this point is never a sure thing but education is.But her blatant denial and immense belief in this feeling is daunting and one wonders where she gets her enthusiasm from. One would think she would give up on it since she's failed so many times. But it hasnt scarred her young heart. She ploughs on and tells me how it is the only thing that can make you feel the safest in this world. Being a hardcore cynic myself, I find it disbelieving.She's the one that I have to tell my sordid girl problems to, since she can worm and whine anything out of you. She gives me the most pathetic advice, always telling me to give the guy a chance..a second one..a third one. I dont take her advice from the start. But the way she pleads and begs me to stay in love is disturbing. She acts like its the only thing that can save me. Like its the only thing that's important. More than stability and safety. I have tried to make her see reason with regards to her choice in men but she always says love isnt selective. It doesnt happen only to people who are rich, educated and from good families, like our parents want us to get married to. Fat people are allowed to love. So are ugly, uneducated, deformed and the poor. I have no answer to the impossible things she says sometimes. Her positive attitude is irresponsible, irrational and sometimes, causes irritation. Espescially when she cant see through people. She smiles at people who put her down. She laughs when people make mean sarcastic jokes about her. Sometimes I think its a defence mechanism but she honestly believes that no one can possibly hate and despise her, not even wish bad for her. She shakes her head regretfully and apologises on my behalf if I get into a fight defending her. It makes me want to wring her neck.

She's the same age as me and I wonder sometimes how she will survive.Better than me, I sometimes think. With the way she's so trapped in her bubble. She just might be one of the few people i've loved completely and fully. When I feel hopeless, she might be the only one with her unique attitude to tell me the good points of my damned situation. Only she could find them. Only she could possibly make me hope because of her fervent and sincere belief in the situation.

I know I can never be like her and I probably never will. But there are few people like her on this planet. Few people who believe there is hope and love is still pure and fresh. That lies and deceit is impossible. That this world can still be saved. And it's probably for this reason that i will try to protect her as long as I can. Till the tidal wave comes and bursts her bubble. Till then, this world still has hope.

Learning it the hard way.

People's expectations can be daunting. People who are close to you brainwash you into thinking you need things when you're better off without it. when you dont reach what they think you're capable of, you get their looks and talks. It makes you think, "Are you worth of it?"
I've realised when people put you down, they really wanna make them selves feel good. Some people have walked in and out of my life this last year. Some have been bitter...some, good riddance, I say. Some have been great experiences and some forgettable. People who you've known for so long were not what they seemed to be anymore. You wonder where you went wrong. When treating you badly and taking you for granted had become okay for them. It's confusing and disorienting in the start. When they finally walk out, or you throw them out yourself, you realise they've been like this all the while. You just took it then. And now, you cant. Now, you're sick of it. Sometimes I wish I'd never met them in the first place. I wish I'd made it a point to ignore them. To never let them in.
But then I dont want to say the glass is half empty. These people have taught me the darker side of human nature. It's made me more cautious and pay attention to people better. I let everyone in now. But I decide who stays. I decide if I want to listen to them. I decide if they're worth it. I decide if I wanna give a shit. You are better than no one. But no one can make you feel lesser than anyone either.
Looking back, I don't cry about it being over. I smile because it happened. Or smirk, in some cases. When it comes to my career, I've stopped making plans. When it comes to guys, I've stopped making a checklist. Being bored is very rare now. I realised, in a rare moment of clarity, that no moment is ordinary. There is never nothing going on. Every single emotion- love, lust, hate, jealousy, hate is breakable.
Except obsession.
That is where we need to draw the line.
Sometimes things that people do are unforgivable. But one forgets that no one loves you completely. Atleast not more than themselves. One needs to accept. Accept that people can make mistakes. Not always to the extent that you have to forgive and forget always. Being a saint was never my thing. But dont let it fuck your happiness. And even if it does, let it do minimal damage. Enough to make you smarter and realise that people are never what they seem to be.
Sometimes one needs to forget about being wary. One needs to forget the outcome and result. One needs to stop thinking. Period.
Where are you?
Here.
What time is it?
Now.
What are you?
This moment.