State of Grace...

Dear Nissa and Nefer,

I write this to you years before I have you. Ages before I've probably experienced true love. Or maybe I already have and lost it. Either way, it means I'm currently not in a dizzy or dreadful phase. It's a neutral one where I hope to be most objective about life. 

Your childhood will be a distant faded memory. You will remember snatches of it though..something sweet..something hilarious...I'll make sure of that...You'll be free then...It's when you hit your teens - that's when you will start to be confused..You will listen to what I'll call dreadful music. Black or pink nail paint will don your fingers - whichever way you go.

You will distance yourself from me and that's when I'll realize that you are growing up. I'll try to cling on because you might think it's a brilliant feeling. It's not. Troubles don't go away after a good sleep. You can't cry your way out. Childhood friends suddenly change and grow distant. You will have to learn to let go of them and you will know that no matter who was wrong in that spat, you're ego or guilty conscience won't make you apologize or admit it. That moment right there will change you and make you realize how alone you truly are. It would be foolishness to depend on someone so thoughtlessly.

You will fall for someone soon enough Nissa and Nefer..First love..It's dizzying..you're drugged and floating seamlessly..He will be the answer to all your prayers..His tattoos will seem like battle scars and his bike, a magic carpet that whisks you away to places you've never been..He will be your Achilees heel..You will laugh fully again, smile to yourself and you will want to be alone so that you can dream about him in peace...But love is a ruthless game, unless you play it good and right...

Your first is hardly your last..If I tell you this, you will despise me, call me old, tell me how I skipped from being a child to an adult and I never knew what it felt like to be a teenager..and you will scream out those dreadful words though you will regret them someday

"Mother, for him, I will leave this stupid place you call home!"

And I will flinch as it comes rushing back to haunt me. And I know you will be tempted to. You almost will when I tell you to stop mooning about and study for your finals.

And when he breaks your heart, you will crumble. I will notice the drooped shoulders, the music you listen to turning melancholy and the grades dipping. You won't come to me. Oh no, you won't. It will be like admitting that I'm right and that is one battle you don't want to lose. I'll smile to myself. There's still some fight left in you then.

Your hostile demeanor will start to fade and you will hesitantly walk into the kitchen to help out with some housework. You'll try to bury the pain when you see him with someone else. You'll spite him by going out with someone else. A pretend boyfriend. Please don't. Anyone who agrees to that probably has some feelings for you and you're gonna end up getting him hurt. 

Your teenage years will be crazy..wild..secrets you will take to the grave because letting someone know might make them judge you..it's bound to happen so keep it quite..Liking two guys at the same time is a horrible place to be stuck in especially if you are in a relationship with one of them. You always despised cheating boyfriends/girlfriends. But here you are, feeling the same. But hopefully, I've raised you well enough to not act on those treacherous feelings until you have made up your mind. At the end of it, no matter how many people you have hurt in the process, the name calling that you will have to endure silently, you will know that you did what was good and right. Like Dumbledore says, there's a difference between walking into the massacre with your head held high rather than being dragged into it, screaming and yelling. 

There will be that one person you will always have a soft spot for, the one that you have had a pact (If we are 30 and still single, we will hook up)

You will finally start to find friends that are worthwhile and you will learn to value them more. You will be tempted with booze and drugs. I just hope that good sense prevails and you will see beyond the smoke and the easy way out. 

When you start to work, there will be times when you open your mouth and get into trouble unnecessarily. There will be moments when you feel terrible about the lack of results, dreading the next meeting with your boss and wondering if you should just give up working so hard for nothing. You'll get restless. Maybe the gym bug will hit you. Or dancing...anything where you can be independent and in control...

You'll be slapped around in an interview like i was. By a man who thinks his brain is bigger than his shoe size. But I'll hope you gave him back and won't stand for bullying. I did. However, things did become a little topsy turvy after that. . Let's not go there. Its another story...another blog...this note just won't do him justice...

Alas, that's how this letter will end. It might get longer with time or I might completely scrap it a year down the line and wonder how stupid I was to write such a thing? How presumptuous I was being? 

But remember, as long as you do it good and right..

Love,

Your mother.  

The Casual Vacancy

I have been waiting for the 27th of September a while now, eagerly anticipating Rowling's creation after a span of five years. Her interviews about this book before the release were vague and the first reviews that came in were mixed. Before I buy a book, I usually research on it, wondering if its worth the buy. However, for this one, I knew the reviews wouldn't matter. I had to read it for myself. And read it I did.If anyone was waiting for a Harry Potter like comeback, they will not find a glimpse of it in The Casual Vacancy. Rowling has deliberately steered clear of all things magical and focused on the stark reality of a Muggle life, a life where foolish wand waving wouldn't solve your problems. A world where there are things worse than Horcruxes, Inferi and the Unforgivables.  

Rowling has ventured into the adult world, where parents and children are at loggerheads, rape, drugs and foul language are aplenty and foolish prejudices have lasting and fatal consequences . This world doesn't have a good and a bad guy. The good doesn't triumph in the end and the bad aren't victorious either. It might be a dreary book for some, with hardly a story line but Rowling's characters and their muddled lives pull her through. Her main protagonist, Barry Fairbrother is deceased and the story centers around him and his support system - the lives he affected and the ones that wished him gone. Rowling hasn't put in a single likeable character in here. She mocks you throughout her book, making you believe there is one and she stamps on them when the next page turns. Those who prefer a fleshy storyline and a definite closure in the end - whether good or bad will certainly be disappointed. This book has strong characters that almost overrides the storyline and become more than the book.  This book leave you in a limbo, slightly depressed, helpless and deflated about the world.

The Casual Vacancy delves into the life of an Indian Sikh family as well. Apparently, the Sikhs have taken offence

at the the way Rowling has described Sukhvinder. Sukhvinder is the black sheep of the family, both her brother  and sister straight A students in the little town of Pagford where everyone knows everyone. Sukhvinder is overweight,mildly suicidal, dyslexic and constantly bullied by Fats Wall and Andrew Price. Her parents are Vikram, a handsome heart surgeon who is lusted after by several women in Pagford and Parminder, a doctor as well, who is perpetually scowling and in an arranged marriage with a man she respects but doesn't love. I rolled my eyes at the article on Times.One character amongst the 4 perfect other Indian characters that is flawed and we are in an uproar.

It is unfair to compare Harry Potter with the Casual Vacancy. The reception of the first two books of Harry Potter was met with scorn and disinterest. Rowling has already created a niche for herself and her publicist can be the laziest person on earth but her books will still sell. She seems unconcerned with the reviews really, almost knowing what everyone will say. But she must know that there are people who, even though, are mighty depressed that she isn't writing another book on Harry Potter, still believe that Casual Vacancy and her  books to come will still have her wonderful prose, fascinating characters and a tiny trace of magic that will always linger...

Closing the loop...

I thought I had lived through more than my fair share at 20.There was no more grief too hard or fast. I'd seen money come and go so easily and foolishly. I'd seen love been thrown away like dirt and hate fester till it spread like a disease. I remember long snatches of time being consumed either by guilt, disappointment, self accusation or horrid and selfish decisions. I had watched and made everyone who loved me cry with frustration. And I'd seen every one of my nemesis go down with a grim and morbid sort of satisfaction.
I'd been bullied or teased (like everyone else at one point), physically injured as well as life threatening accidents that left me  exhilarated and laughing hysterically. I'd gone crazy with love (like how teenagers do when they believe everything will finally be right in their world with just love) and done the stupidest things...
Who would have thought there was more? I felt old really at 20. I believe everyone else thought life had just started then. Freedom lurked around the corner waiting for you. But I knew what that freedom could do to me. Leave me delirious and intoxicated. After being chained for so long, there was hardly anything that I wouldn't have tried. Reigning myself in had been the hardest during this one year. Lack of self control had bought me my worst punishments in the past. 
One of my closest friends spoke to me last night. She was in the 'I'm in love..finally with the right man' stage. She wondered about her previous encounters with love and she found one common thing in all of them - they never could give as much as she did. I tried to draw something out of mine as well. They were both very different personalities and I could hardly find any similarities even in the encounters. I had to watch two heart wrenching movies (The Notebook and One Day) that I had rented out to figure it out that there was no similarity between them.I was the common reason.
I always got more than I deserved.
One Day made me realize what little time we have. How people could be there all our lives - for so long that we can take them for granted - and then poof! They disappear.
So this is a thank you to friends and people who have been a constant throughout my life chronologically:
My Parents: I cant even start to imagine how to thank them. I try to, every single day.
Cousins, aunts, my grandmom and uncle: For always being there and making me feel I was no different even though, half of me always was.
Jual: Who was my friend when no one else was
Rishanka: Inspite of our personality clashes, still managed to prove the ying yang theory correct
Priyamvada: Who remains on a pedestal till now. Who managed to get me back to earth when I was reckless.
Sanaya and Shwetha: Shwetha who was always fond of what I wrote and Sanaya who encouraged to come out of my shell in the last two years of school life, which turned out to be my best.
Aarti: For all the help from the bullies and the covering up
Shibali: Who made me feel like a school girl with all our giggling
Monish: My best and only guy friend for a long time
Revati: Who still remains a constant companion - someone I can be brutally honest with.
Richika: Aah! The laughter, the crying, the laughing till we cried will always be there...
Bhishma: Who made me believe there was hope again...
Yannick: I know I can call at 12 and you wont find it silly or disturbing
Clyde: What a history we have! I simply laugh at it sometimes...I know you are going to be around for a long time
Nidhi: She's the little kid in the group. The one that you will have this need to protect. The one that can keep a secret :)
Dean Dias: The one I never spoke to..hardly remembered...but who came back..with an intellect lacking in many here..
Sushant: Words will never describe the depth..the understanding..and the level of comfort..and the special moments (several of them, in fact)..timeless..


When I watched Notebook, some of the lines sounded oddly familiar with the two..
She screamed at him, "You want to be together! Together?!! Look at us! Two days after making up and we are already fighting again!"
Those words were like temple bells, clanging repeatedly in my head. How many times had I heard myself say that to them? How many times had they replied with what Noah had said. What any person who loved you would say
"We fight! So what?! We are supposed to fight. We dont care about hurting each others feelings! You tell me if I'm being a son of a bitch and I tell you when you're being a pain in the ass which you are - 99% of the time. But I want all of you. All of your bull shit!"
And you think the words are so romantic. That they would get you back. Doesn't happen like the movies. I walked away. I didn't have 99% to give. Hell, I didn't want to give even 1%.
I do regret walking away like that. I could have done better. What do they call it? 'Closing the loop'.
It could have been easier on all of us. I saw you on the street, 5 years later with your new girl in tow - the first one after me. I could still see the hurt, even though I tried hard to avoid the gaze and the guilt.
If I had to 'close the loop', I could have seen how she had won your heart through her pure goodness though I hear once in a while that I'm still the cause of some fights. I'm truly sorry.
For my second, I could have avoided the awkward phone calls after every few months. The half confused and half pissed off voice. The gloating phone call when you got yourself someone and you called to let me know. I should have resisted snapping back in anger with,"Stop trying to convince yourself so hard that you're better off with out me. Why do you call then you...!"
I had a bad day then. I should have clamped my mouth shut and should have realized that it would hurt that brittle self ego of yours.
It's pathetic how I knew the two of you'll so well but still didn't manage to put that in use for the sake of peace. 
I'm a whole year older than 20 now. This year went past far more quickly than the others.
I don't exist in the streets anymore and the calls have finally vanished. Time does heal all wounds. 
Guilt is hardly a wound though. 
I should have written this a long time ago and not waited for two heart wrenching movies to make me...

The Call

Sometimes you wonder where you went wrong, did it really happen because you pulled away first?..You gave up first?..You didnt say or do all the right things? Did you not inspire trust or work towards gaining it? Did you think it was hopeless to keep hoping that things will change..improve? Or did you just realise that maybe it wasnt fated in the first place? You tend to blame yourself when he calls you up to tell you he has someone now.

Then you sigh and say, "He didnt do all these things either."

First, I wonder why he called in the first place. Was it to boast? Yes, probably. Men do have these egos that they cannot get rid of. Boast about what? That he was more than fine without me, probably. He could live now. The second reason was he probably wanted to rub salt over a scar. A scar I had pushed firmly out of my mind and resolutely forgotten, simply because brooding about it would have done nothing. What would thinking about three years do anyway? What was three years in the grand scheme of things? Just a measely part of a insignificant teenaged life.

But then you wonder if it changed you in some ways. Had it taught me some lessons? Would future relationships be better? Or would I be the same? Do the same mistakes? React or behave in the same way? Would there be a pattern? Would I fall for a complete opposite? Or would I go along the same way..hoping it would be better the next time around..

I hated him when he called to tell me. I wanted to break something. How could someone be so horrible? How could I be assosciated with someone so horrible? Hadnt a year and a half of staying away given any indication that I didnt want anything to do with him? He was too thick headed. Why hadnt I realised that before anyway?

"Aah..because you were blinded, you see."

More like stupid. Or was it like the chicken and egg - what came first thing? Was I stupid because I was blinded? Or was I blinded because I was stupid?

I look back now and think about how I couldnt have done anything different. People were stupid when they said people changed because of what they had gone through. They didnt change. They just lived with regret, grief, hope lost forever or renewed optimism.

The only thing that changes is you realise that you could have ended things better. Torn off the band aid with a quick rip rather than slowly and painfully, drawing it out. Then maybe that call would have never come in the first place..

Then maybe I wouldnt be writing a self realisation note either...

Being 21...

I always have these huge intervals before I start writing a blog post, one of the few reasons why Ive said no to taking up writing as a profession. Writing on command has always been tiresome. It has worried me, these long spells of not writing. There have been times when I've had an intense urge to write but no longer can I take a break and pen it down. Today, I logged into facebook after 3 months to realise quite a few people had missed me and my Potter posts. It's an important time for any employee, these days. Its the end of the financial year. The important appraisals are coming up - determining your salary, behaviour, areas of development and bonuses. It's necessary to leave a lasting impression on your stake holder. Therefore, it becomes inevitable that one has to bite down curses and a few choice words voicing frustration.

This month has personal implications too - I'm turning 21, you see. A week back, I didnt think it was that much of a big deal. How is a 21st birthday any different from the 20th? When I had a lunch with my college friends, I realised a marked difference. Quite drastic, in fact. On my 20th birthday, the people sitting with me right then were the ones that my life revolved around. These were the people I interacted with day in and day out. Now my life revolves around a computer and talking to candidates I've never seen and never will, being a catalyst to the decisions they make that can affect their life. On my 20th birthday, I was having this lunch with my parents money and now I was giving my card to swipe. At this time, last year, I was still fretting about exams, marks, what to do after the exams (study or work?) and where would I get a job if I decided to work. Today, I'm worrying about my appraisals and my boss. It seems like a very grown up space to be in.

But I realised getting older isnt getting any easier.

Independence gives you a strange sort of high but it hardly fails to keep telling you that what you have is never enough. It's a strange sort of hunger that never happened when I went after a score in my exams. There was no chance to try again once I got that marksheet.

I see a few of my class mates still wandering and wondering about what they want. Some have made hasty decisions that they regret. Some are settled in their work and studies - things they had done with intensive planning for a few years now.

As I look back on the year, I realised life has turned out rather well for me. It's still like college in some ways where you feel small sometimes in the midst of so much talent and competition.

Being 21 is different from being 20. And I realised I needed to celebrate it. :D

"At the age of twenty, we don't care what the world thinks of us; at thirty, we worry about what it is thinking of us; at forty, we discover that it wasn't thinking of us at all."

El ! Oh ! Ve ! Ee!

The five day holiday spree is already getting to me. So much so that I'm sitting at eleven thirty with my and dad and watching old songs on television with his running commentary about how we kids dont have tasteful music anymore. Thankfully, I have my BB to keep me entertained and connected with Sushant, who fortunately is being nocturnal since its Diwali. He's having dinner with his friends and complaining about how we cant meet for the next 5 days. Yes, I'm feeling horrible as well. But I really cant do anything about it and dont you'll dare call me a heartless uncaring girlfriend. I am not. Okay, maybe sometimes. But I try very hard to be nice. Like right now, I'm writing this blogpost for him. It's nice right? I mean, i know I havent written anything about him yet and I can see more I's in this paragraph so I'll just go for it..
I've been assaulted with questions and exclamations of surprise when people have seen me with him. He isnt exactly the types I would pick considering my track record and rantings. He has spectacles, a round face and comes across as particularly upright proper decent gentleman when you meet him. Zzzzzzz...
I know but funnily enough, I fell. Hard. Not good considering he's the type my parents pretend to love but actually hate. He's the type everyone would want as a friend because he's so goddamn lovable but not as a guy. He's just too..nice. Almost presenting no elements of surprise or mystery. No jigsaw puzzle to figure out. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. He's just as you see him. No complexities, no deep rooted emotional trauma that I need to mother out and no secrets that I need to hide. He trusted me implicitly while I keep doubting him, even now. He looks bewildered when I get mad about the smallest things, making me realise how stupid I'm being. He looks amused when I behave childish and dance around everywhere. He loves hearing me sing off key.
He is very predictable. Though he never does the same things twice and he never keeps any pet names or maraos silly movie dialogues. His next favorurite thing after me is sea food and vada pav so I guess I feel honored considering he wants to eat them all the time. I tell him I love him as much as I love money. So I guess it works both ways. He's quite blissfully ignorant of me talking to another man while I breathe down the neck of a 45 year old woman in office who is throwing herself at him. He's calm, composed, sometimes prone to silliness (like doing a Salman Khan collar shaking dance step to make me laugh because I was down and I know how much he hates dancing) and his clumsy attempts to make breakfast (which turned out to be quite tasty actually).
He giggles like he's being tickled, has an Alan Rickman hot voice thing going on and keeps prodding me to work (one of the real reasons why I work really hard..and the money, of course) His weird knack of knowing who is genuine and who isnt, his ability to get me out of a slack mood by getting me mad and our similar twisted sense of humour( which usually involves making fun of people) is what has probably helped me through the hard days of work.
For the 4 months he's been with me, work and life has become a whole lot easier and lighter. I dont need to keep wondering where this relationship is going or if I'm important enough. He understands why work is a priority, never wants an unecessary sacrifice and doesnt throw tantrums. I dont need to dress up or eat like a lady.
All I need to be prepared for is..
Being loved. :D

Stories To Tell.

It's been nine months since I attended lectures in college, six years since I left school and eight years since I stopped doing homework. It's been 3 weeks since I last came on facebook properly, two months since I've written a blog post and two minutes since I've checked my BB, wondering if anyone has pinged me. My wardrobe and shopping list has changed from casuals to formals, there's no wallet anymore but a card, there's a boss instead of a teacher who's better at demanding and harder to please and I have parents complaining that the house has become a hostel. My tracks are replaced with heels, my slouch has straightened, my nails are always pristine and colorless and not chipped with nailpolish, home food is only one meal a day, school and college friends have become a weekend ritual and books that I have bought are still waiting for my attention. There's no worry about losing weight, no worrying about time to kill, no unecessary small talk, sleep comes easily enough, no time to slack nor any time to argue and simple explanations on why you dont remember someone's birthday. ("I forgot").
When we were in college, my friends used to talk about having stories to tell their kids. Espescially on how their guy would propose to them. I think I'll have a story to tell too. But who knows? It might just not be the classy proposal that you hoped or dreamed about. It might just be going down on one knee in a cab, or you getting frustrated enough waiting that you ask him yourself...but then, that's a story too, isnt it?
Today's my college friend's 21st birthday and thankfully, she reminded me that it was as well as being gracious enough to call me for it. We wont be doing anything new.The usual, really. Five of us sitting round our usual table at our usual restaurant talking about usual things...anybody else would have thought it to be boring to do that on such a big day for her. But when you think about how things have drastically changed for all of us, I'd like to keep these things the same usual boring way. Like F.R.I.E.N.D.S. have Central Perk and Archie's has Pop Tates, I have 5 Spice. My life has been blessed and good, for now. I have good demanding friends, a good demanding job and loving and demanding parents..I shouldnt crib nor should I stop wanting more and making it happen...
Quite simply, I love my life, with all its quirks and 'usualness' ...