I thought I had lived through more than my fair share at 20.There was no more grief too hard or fast. I'd seen money come and go so easily and foolishly. I'd seen love been thrown away like dirt and hate fester till it spread like a disease. I remember long snatches of time being consumed either by guilt, disappointment, self accusation or horrid and selfish decisions. I had watched and made everyone who loved me cry with frustration. And I'd seen every one of my nemesis go down with a grim and morbid sort of satisfaction.
I'd been bullied or teased (like everyone else at one point), physically injured as well as life threatening accidents that left me exhilarated and laughing hysterically. I'd gone crazy with love (like how teenagers do when they believe everything will finally be right in their world with just love) and done the stupidest things...
Who would have thought there was more? I felt old really at 20. I believe everyone else thought life had just started then. Freedom lurked around the corner waiting for you. But I knew what that freedom could do to me. Leave me delirious and intoxicated. After being chained for so long, there was hardly anything that I wouldn't have tried. Reigning myself in had been the hardest during this one year. Lack of self control had bought me my worst punishments in the past.
One of my closest friends spoke to me last night. She was in the 'I'm in love..finally with the right man' stage. She wondered about her previous encounters with love and she found one common thing in all of them - they never could give as much as she did. I tried to draw something out of mine as well. They were both very different personalities and I could hardly find any similarities even in the encounters. I had to watch two heart wrenching movies (The Notebook and One Day) that I had rented out to figure it out that there was no similarity between them.I was the common reason.
I always got more than I deserved.
One Day made me realize what little time we have. How people could be there all our lives - for so long that we can take them for granted - and then poof! They disappear.
So this is a thank you to friends and people who have been a constant throughout my life chronologically:
My Parents: I cant even start to imagine how to thank them. I try to, every single day.
Cousins, aunts, my grandmom and uncle: For always being there and making me feel I was no different even though, half of me always was.
Jual: Who was my friend when no one else was
Rishanka: Inspite of our personality clashes, still managed to prove the ying yang theory correct
Priyamvada: Who remains on a pedestal till now. Who managed to get me back to earth when I was reckless.
Sanaya and Shwetha: Shwetha who was always fond of what I wrote and Sanaya who encouraged to come out of my shell in the last two years of school life, which turned out to be my best.
Aarti: For all the help from the bullies and the covering up
Shibali: Who made me feel like a school girl with all our giggling
Monish: My best and only guy friend for a long time
Revati: Who still remains a constant companion - someone I can be brutally honest with.
Richika: Aah! The laughter, the crying, the laughing till we cried will always be there...
Bhishma: Who made me believe there was hope again...
Yannick: I know I can call at 12 and you wont find it silly or disturbing
Clyde: What a history we have! I simply laugh at it sometimes...I know you are going to be around for a long time
Nidhi: She's the little kid in the group. The one that you will have this need to protect. The one that can keep a secret :)
Dean Dias: The one I never spoke to..hardly remembered...but who came back..with an intellect lacking in many here..
Sushant: Words will never describe the depth..the understanding..and the level of comfort..and the special moments (several of them, in fact)..timeless..
When I watched Notebook, some of the lines sounded oddly familiar with the two..
She screamed at him, "You want to be together! Together?!! Look at us! Two days after making up and we are already fighting again!"
Those words were like temple bells, clanging repeatedly in my head. How many times had I heard myself say that to them? How many times had they replied with what Noah had said. What any person who loved you would say
"We fight! So what?! We are supposed to fight. We dont care about hurting each others feelings! You tell me if I'm being a son of a bitch and I tell you when you're being a pain in the ass which you are - 99% of the time. But I want all of you. All of your bull shit!"
And you think the words are so romantic. That they would get you back. Doesn't happen like the movies. I walked away. I didn't have 99% to give. Hell, I didn't want to give even 1%.
I do regret walking away like that. I could have done better. What do they call it? 'Closing the loop'.
It could have been easier on all of us. I saw you on the street, 5 years later with your new girl in tow - the first one after me. I could still see the hurt, even though I tried hard to avoid the gaze and the guilt.
If I had to 'close the loop', I could have seen how she had won your heart through her pure goodness though I hear once in a while that I'm still the cause of some fights. I'm truly sorry.
For my second, I could have avoided the awkward phone calls after every few months. The half confused and half pissed off voice. The gloating phone call when you got yourself someone and you called to let me know. I should have resisted snapping back in anger with,"Stop trying to convince yourself so hard that you're better off with out me. Why do you call then you...!"
I had a bad day then. I should have clamped my mouth shut and should have realized that it would hurt that brittle self ego of yours.
It's pathetic how I knew the two of you'll so well but still didn't manage to put that in use for the sake of peace.
I'm a whole year older than 20 now. This year went past far more quickly than the others.
I don't exist in the streets anymore and the calls have finally vanished. Time does heal all wounds.
Guilt is hardly a wound though.
I should have written this a long time ago and not waited for two heart wrenching movies to make me...
I'd been bullied or teased (like everyone else at one point), physically injured as well as life threatening accidents that left me exhilarated and laughing hysterically. I'd gone crazy with love (like how teenagers do when they believe everything will finally be right in their world with just love) and done the stupidest things...
Who would have thought there was more? I felt old really at 20. I believe everyone else thought life had just started then. Freedom lurked around the corner waiting for you. But I knew what that freedom could do to me. Leave me delirious and intoxicated. After being chained for so long, there was hardly anything that I wouldn't have tried. Reigning myself in had been the hardest during this one year. Lack of self control had bought me my worst punishments in the past.
One of my closest friends spoke to me last night. She was in the 'I'm in love..finally with the right man' stage. She wondered about her previous encounters with love and she found one common thing in all of them - they never could give as much as she did. I tried to draw something out of mine as well. They were both very different personalities and I could hardly find any similarities even in the encounters. I had to watch two heart wrenching movies (The Notebook and One Day) that I had rented out to figure it out that there was no similarity between them.I was the common reason.
I always got more than I deserved.
One Day made me realize what little time we have. How people could be there all our lives - for so long that we can take them for granted - and then poof! They disappear.
So this is a thank you to friends and people who have been a constant throughout my life chronologically:
My Parents: I cant even start to imagine how to thank them. I try to, every single day.
Cousins, aunts, my grandmom and uncle: For always being there and making me feel I was no different even though, half of me always was.
Jual: Who was my friend when no one else was
Rishanka: Inspite of our personality clashes, still managed to prove the ying yang theory correct
Priyamvada: Who remains on a pedestal till now. Who managed to get me back to earth when I was reckless.
Sanaya and Shwetha: Shwetha who was always fond of what I wrote and Sanaya who encouraged to come out of my shell in the last two years of school life, which turned out to be my best.
Aarti: For all the help from the bullies and the covering up
Shibali: Who made me feel like a school girl with all our giggling
Monish: My best and only guy friend for a long time
Revati: Who still remains a constant companion - someone I can be brutally honest with.
Richika: Aah! The laughter, the crying, the laughing till we cried will always be there...
Bhishma: Who made me believe there was hope again...
Yannick: I know I can call at 12 and you wont find it silly or disturbing
Clyde: What a history we have! I simply laugh at it sometimes...I know you are going to be around for a long time
Nidhi: She's the little kid in the group. The one that you will have this need to protect. The one that can keep a secret :)
Dean Dias: The one I never spoke to..hardly remembered...but who came back..with an intellect lacking in many here..
Sushant: Words will never describe the depth..the understanding..and the level of comfort..and the special moments (several of them, in fact)..timeless..
When I watched Notebook, some of the lines sounded oddly familiar with the two..
She screamed at him, "You want to be together! Together?!! Look at us! Two days after making up and we are already fighting again!"
Those words were like temple bells, clanging repeatedly in my head. How many times had I heard myself say that to them? How many times had they replied with what Noah had said. What any person who loved you would say
"We fight! So what?! We are supposed to fight. We dont care about hurting each others feelings! You tell me if I'm being a son of a bitch and I tell you when you're being a pain in the ass which you are - 99% of the time. But I want all of you. All of your bull shit!"
And you think the words are so romantic. That they would get you back. Doesn't happen like the movies. I walked away. I didn't have 99% to give. Hell, I didn't want to give even 1%.
I do regret walking away like that. I could have done better. What do they call it? 'Closing the loop'.
It could have been easier on all of us. I saw you on the street, 5 years later with your new girl in tow - the first one after me. I could still see the hurt, even though I tried hard to avoid the gaze and the guilt.
If I had to 'close the loop', I could have seen how she had won your heart through her pure goodness though I hear once in a while that I'm still the cause of some fights. I'm truly sorry.
For my second, I could have avoided the awkward phone calls after every few months. The half confused and half pissed off voice. The gloating phone call when you got yourself someone and you called to let me know. I should have resisted snapping back in anger with,"Stop trying to convince yourself so hard that you're better off with out me. Why do you call then you...!"
I had a bad day then. I should have clamped my mouth shut and should have realized that it would hurt that brittle self ego of yours.
It's pathetic how I knew the two of you'll so well but still didn't manage to put that in use for the sake of peace.
I'm a whole year older than 20 now. This year went past far more quickly than the others.
I don't exist in the streets anymore and the calls have finally vanished. Time does heal all wounds.
Guilt is hardly a wound though.
I should have written this a long time ago and not waited for two heart wrenching movies to make me...
