Sometimes you wonder where you went wrong, did it really happen because you pulled away first?..You gave up first?..You didnt say or do all the right things? Did you not inspire trust or work towards gaining it? Did you think it was hopeless to keep hoping that things will change..improve? Or did you just realise that maybe it wasnt fated in the first place? You tend to blame yourself when he calls you up to tell you he has someone now.
Then you sigh and say, "He didnt do all these things either."
First, I wonder why he called in the first place. Was it to boast? Yes, probably. Men do have these egos that they cannot get rid of. Boast about what? That he was more than fine without me, probably. He could live now. The second reason was he probably wanted to rub salt over a scar. A scar I had pushed firmly out of my mind and resolutely forgotten, simply because brooding about it would have done nothing. What would thinking about three years do anyway? What was three years in the grand scheme of things? Just a measely part of a insignificant teenaged life.
But then you wonder if it changed you in some ways. Had it taught me some lessons? Would future relationships be better? Or would I be the same? Do the same mistakes? React or behave in the same way? Would there be a pattern? Would I fall for a complete opposite? Or would I go along the same way..hoping it would be better the next time around..
I hated him when he called to tell me. I wanted to break something. How could someone be so horrible? How could I be assosciated with someone so horrible? Hadnt a year and a half of staying away given any indication that I didnt want anything to do with him? He was too thick headed. Why hadnt I realised that before anyway?
"Aah..because you were blinded, you see."
More like stupid. Or was it like the chicken and egg - what came first thing? Was I stupid because I was blinded? Or was I blinded because I was stupid?
I look back now and think about how I couldnt have done anything different. People were stupid when they said people changed because of what they had gone through. They didnt change. They just lived with regret, grief, hope lost forever or renewed optimism.
The only thing that changes is you realise that you could have ended things better. Torn off the band aid with a quick rip rather than slowly and painfully, drawing it out. Then maybe that call would have never come in the first place..
Then maybe I wouldnt be writing a self realisation note either...
